


Asterism

by fireyicegirl



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Suicide, Suicide Attempt, this is just sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-19 23:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11908431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireyicegirl/pseuds/fireyicegirl
Summary: (n) a group of stars.





	Asterism

It was difficult for Evan, after the truth was told.

His days went on as normal. Well, as normal as his days had been. His anxiety kicked back in, all his previous confidence had crumbled. Though, he had learned to fake it, to act like nothing was wrong when in fact everything was wrong. He learned to control his stutter. It took time, but he spoke like a normal, functioning human finally. No one noticed his progress.

The Connor Project was still up and running. They still helped people, kids thousands of miles away, and kids right in their school. They would send in anonymous emails, and one of the members of The Connor Project would write back as soon as they could.

They saved a lot of kids in those few weeks. 

They still worked on it, him, Alana, Jared.

Zoe had completely dissociated herself from the group. 

From Connor.

From Evan.

And Evan knew why. Who could look at something beautiful formed from such an ugly lie?

The truth had driven her away, just as Connor said it would.

He saw her in the halls, sometimes. Stars still lined her jean cuffs. Sometimes she would be doing a quiz in a magazine. There was still a smile on her face as she spoke to people, still as radiant as ever. But something was missing.

There was no light in her eyes. 

Her eyes that once contained an entire universe, had dissipated. He realized the stars on her jeans were memorials for those that had died in her eyes. Sometimes he would catch her eye in the hallway, and it broke his heart. He hated watching the stars flicker and die right in front of him when he could do nothing to help. A million died in that one second they had locked eyes, and then they were gone. 

And they almost took Zoe with them.

  
  
“We didn’t know who else to call - I’m sorry to bother you at such a late time but -” Cynthia was sobbing her words, speaking so fast he could barely understand her. 

“Mrs. Murphy, it’s - it’s okay - really.” He was so scared his stutter had come back. “I’ll be there in less than ten minutes.”

Cynthia cried, and Evan didn’t have the heart to hang up. He stayed on the line, saying what he hoped were comforting things as he dressed. God, he was so scared. 

Why would she do this?

He left a note for his mother and took her keys. He peeled out of the driveway, speeding through every stop sign and stop light. The police weren’t anywhere near his mind at that moment, all he cared about was Zoe.

He should’ve checked on her.

He should’ve called her that night like he wanted to. 

It wasn’t long before he slammed on the brakes, right outside the Murphys' home.

Oh, how he had missed it. 

He didn’t knock as he entered the front door.

Larry was immediately there, a still crying Cynthia on his heels. “She’s upstairs.”

Evan nodded and headed up the long staircase. 

It felt like home. 

A home that was never his.

He reached her room quicker than he thought he would and tried to go in. The door was locked.

“Go away.” A small voice said from behind the door.

Evan swallowed. “It’s me.”

A pause. “Go _the fuck_ away.”

Evan made a noise between a scoff and a laugh. 

Then there was a silence.

“I’m - I’m sorry.” He said, after a long pause.

“You say that a lot.”

Evan couldn’t force the smile off his face. “I know.”

Another silence.

“I need you to let me in, okay?”

“Why should I do that?” She asked in a cold voice that just didn’t sound like her at all.

“You don’t want to die.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, yes I do.” He said, pressing his forehead on the cold, wooden door. “You have so much life, Zoe, you have so much potential. What about jazz band?”

“They’ll play on without me.”

“That’s true. But they’ll never be the same.”

A pause.

“No one’s the same.” She said quietly.

“I know.”

“It’s your fault.”

Evan nodded shamefully. “I know.”

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

He heard a sniff, and her shaking voice said, “I don’t want to die.”

“Then please, open the door, Zoe.”

He heard a shaky breath, and the floorboards creaking. 

The door slowly opened. It revealed an empty shell, somehow still crying. There was blood dripping down her arms, parts of it were dried up, parts of it fresh. He carefully took her hands in his, looking at the damage. He watched the stardust leak from her wounds. He was grateful he hadn’t sliced vertical. “Zoe…” He said, not knowing what to say.

“They said I didn’t understand, that I didn’t know his pain.” She said, her voice cracking. “They blamed me.”

He felt tears well up in his eyes. This was his fault. Moving his hands to her shoulders, he gave them a squeeze. “They don’t know you.”

He pulled her into a warm embrace, not caring about the blood that would surely stain his clothes. He was relieved when he felt her return the embrace.

“I don’t want to die.” She said again, in that sad, broken voice.

“Then we have to go to the hospital, okay?”

“They’ll think I’m crazy.”

“Maybe.”

“They’ll stick me in a psych ward.”

“They will.”

“I’m not crazy, I’m not - I’m not _him_.”

“No, you’re not.”

She pulled back from their embrace, looking at him. “What do I do?”

He hesitated, and then sighed. “You know what to do.”

Zoe nodded. And then nodded again. She was trying to get herself ready.

Evan took her hands in his once more, his thumbs tracing over her knuckles. “You’re going to be okay. It’s going to be fine. You’ll be back at school in a week max and things will slowly return to normal.”

She nodded.

“It’s not so scary. Just don’t suck any dick for meth, okay?”

He smiled when she laughed a bit, wiping her running nose with the back of her arm.

“Thank you.” She said. 

“I’m always here for you, okay? Even if you hate me or - or - or don’t want to see me, I’m just a call away.”

She nodded, giving him a small, genuine smile.

He could’ve sworn he saw a star being born in her eyes.

  
  
Evan was right, she was out within the week, and she was back at school. She spoke to her friends in the hallway, and the stars on her jeans remained. 

But she’d look at Evan in the halls, more willingly. He was happy to see the stars returning to her eyes.

Every few days, he’d get a call or text from her, when she was feeling bad again. He’d stay up all night talking to her, trying his best to help.

After a few weeks, the calls and texts stopped, though.

Months passed, and it was Evan’s last week of high school. His last full day before his finals. 

He spotted Zoe in the hallway. She saw him as well, and gave him a big smile.

Evan would’ve given anything to forever remember that galaxy of stars in her eyes right in that moment.

For Evan was sad as well. He was just so _sad_ , and there was no magic cure for sadness.

Of course, he didn’t show it, he didn’t let anyone see. Because others’ lives mattered more than his measly one. 

And that night, he took his bottle of anxiety medicine, and took them all, one by one.

He sent one last text to Zoe after writing his mother’s note.

_Don’t ever let those stars go out in your eyes again._

And soon he was swept away into his own universe of stars. 

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah that was bad and choppy but my friend said it was good so! i posted it. let me know what you guys think i guess??


End file.
